The Recovery Process
The ‘secret’ to life that we are all looking for is just this:
Charlotte Joko Beck  a Zen teacher and author wrote, “To develop through sitting and daily life practice the power of courage to return to that where we have spent a lifetime hiding from, to rest in the bodily experience of the present moment - even if it is a feeling of being humiliated, of failing, of abandonment, of unfairness.† When I think about what I have learned over the past 10 years about working with people in treatment and recovery from their eating disorder, I am aware that what was most shocking was how much I didn’t understand about recovery. Ten years ago, containing behaviors and going onto live a productive life equated to one being recovered. Thankfully, that belief went out the window about 6 months after my work as a therapist at Castlewood began. It become exceedingly clear, that in order for one to recover, it had nothing really (although it did of course) to do with getting a client to control their symptoms. I believe that in order to recover, both the therapist and client have to be curious about all the different ways the client learned how to stop feeling, how it came to be they couldn’t rely on their own thoughts and decisions and ability to be strong in their identity of Self. All of these negative, self-hating beliefs about themselves, in addition to an undercurrent of shame became embedded many years before the eating disorder symptoms emerged. When working with a client, it is important to understand the true protective nature of the symptoms. That the varied behaviors came in to help the client NOT feel, to protect him or her from painful memories, to assist in keeping them detached, or dissociated from their body and, most importantly, giving the client a false sense of control and safety. However, “These disorders which are so pervasive in our current world, illustrate that beneath the veneer of self reliance lies the core of powerlessness, alienation, detachment, self-hate and shame,† (K.B. Walnut, 1995). It is exactly these issues that must be explored. Often when a person is able to begin to gain some understanding that their eating disorder is not just a diet gone astray, but is a life threatening, life debilitating disease, is when therapists can work with the client to understand how and why these core beliefs became the commandments by which the person must live. Recovery cannot, and must not, be just about containing the symptoms. The unresolved issues of why the person is sitting in your office to begin with, will result in perhaps someone that is at a safe enough weight, or not purging or bingeing, but will undoubtedly exist in the world driven by a self-hating, shaming, fear based prison.  So how does one get from A to Z? What do you believe that the “secret†to life/recovery, is shooting for? My ultimate belief right now is that recovery is a life in which one can accept their vulnerability, tolerate being imperfect and have the courage to stay with their feelings and humanness verses further exiling them away.
I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions! Please comment below and I will facilitate a discussion for the next week about the recovery process.
I totally agree with how everything was put and I think that through the years the evolution of eating disorders, and the discovery of “human hood” that is so commonly denied, has led to a vast understanding of complexity of this once pervasive disease, and the undercurrent of how society has created it’s members. I think what I have realized in the past few years is not so much what the disease is, but what it means, and how salient the need to achieve this disconnected identity is as a great whole. I used to believe in this “moral whole self” And not self in the use in IFS but more a person that is , the infamous, normal. When that “normal” idea started to turn false I became very angry and sad, I started to queston “what was I trying to achieve?” “what does it mean to be “normal.” Unfortunately once I understood “normal” I realized I didn’t want it. To be normal as seen through the workplace, school, and friends is someone that is: happy, but able to be warm and compassionate, detail oriented but not obsessive becuase that is pathological, without needs but still able to ask for things, willing to give to society, but try not to be a maryr because then they create guilt in others that they are trying to be perfect for, and comfortable with their body, yet able to be at a “healthy” aka thin weight. Yout acheive that you achieve normal. But that person doesn’t exist, unless of course they deny they are human. What I find to be most difficult is to BE human. To realize that in doing so I am abandoning everything that the people around me say and striving to be the person that some other protectors try to silence. Other protector parts will silence out of fear and “horror” that these grounded,self lead individuals are going to take over the world that they so carefully built. This is curious to me as “self” is not something that usualy provoctes fear, protectors usually respond to self well. Maybe it is the parts of a “human” that fee.lSurely this “society” was not meant to hurt anyone. Through the years of dealing with an eating disorder it is very well understood that these protectors are just trying to help and maintain the status quo that keeps us all moving. However, in the process of discovery (aka recovery) a person learns that we don’t have to live in survival anymore. We can be human, accept to be human, and let others see that yes it is possible and yes it is worthwhile. The hardest thing in recovery that I have found is maintaining self when other protectors in someone else is trying to pound in that status quo. I had to realize that I want this for MY self. THat I want this becuase I think that everyone deserves to have the opportunity to be human. IT’s not about a fight against the modeling agency neccissarily it’s a fight against “the normals”.
Hi Tasha, I absolutely love how you conceptualize recovery..and it is exactly that the eating disorder takes away ALL aspects of being human – and as the eating disorder itself takes on a life of it’s own – it brainwashes the human that it is much more safe to listen to it (eating disorder) than to trust self. Of course, we all needed that eating disorder protection, for a muriad of reasons – but recovery is about going backwards after the symptoms are contained. Thinking about if a baby is born into the world into loving hands, the baby instinctively knows how to cry, when he or she is hunger or angry or uncomfortable and how to breathe deeply, naturally. Then as each of us that develop eating disorders turn to, is the false safety, the illusion of being taken care of, of never having to feel uncomfortable, of never feeling, being driven to do more be more and praying and being obediant to the rules of the eating disorder. The eating disorder takes any chance of being human away and eventually we turn to being robotic machines. Recovery is worth understanding why one needed that shield of the eating disorder – you are so right – a recovered life equates to being HUMAN – with needs, wants, desires, of having passion and being able to tolerate feelings.
I completely agree with what you’ve said. I went through over a year without purging then just started up again one day.
I have numerous unresolved issues. My sysmptoms are “managable” – meaning not life threatening and even in sort of remission but I still feel I have years to go in my recovery.
I’ve really taken to IFS but only done a few sessions of it. I am no longer working with the therapist who introduced me to it. I’ve sort of taught it to myself and have asked my current therapist to learn how to do it with me. It’s extremely intuitive to me.
I’ve started my own blog about my recovery journey and IFS from my perspective. It’s http://peoplepersonalitiesparts.blogspot.com/ Feel free to take a look. I would love a few followers, if you would like.
I have recently found myself “drawn” to Castlewood but my symptoms don’t really warrent inpatient care and I live in Florida. I’m not sure what to do. While I’ve only been to one treatment center, I often feel the desire to “run away” to treatment and actually dream of it regularly. I feel the need for more intense work but I think that might just be the attachement stuff speaking. Along with this sence of impending doom and dislike for my life. I also don’t have the money, so it’s not an option. I settle for reading everything I can on the website but it never seems to be enough.
- Victoria 1st (my anonymous name)
Hello Victoria, I really get how one can go for a year and then symptoms come back. Usually triggered by some issue that hasn’t yet been resolved from the past. IFS is an excellent method of working with parts of Self. I also wanted to let you know that you don’t have to be in a place where your symptoms are out of control to go to treatment – at Castlewood we have various level of care. It also seems, however, that you have taken to IFS and there are a lot of resources for you to continue to work with parts of Self. One assignment I often give my clients is to have the eating disorder part write and then respond from Self. Even if your current therapist doesn’t use IFS, you can weave into your work as it seems you have the foundation. I will check out your blog! – also – what part of Florida? I might know some IFS therapists in your area.
So true, It seems to me the whole point of recovery is to be okay with yourself, flaws and all, no matter what. It’s like that saying “Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the stormâ€. I would like to believe that is my goal. Most of the time that seems completely unatainable. So answer the question……How do you get from A to Z?
Hey Karen – don’t you think you are maybe at M or Q in your quest for recovery
There is a quote that I can’t find right this second – but will look for it and post it in response to your writing.
I believe the secret to life and recovery is passion. You have to find what you are passionate about and fight to keep it in your life. You have to love yourself, the people you surround yourself with, and what you are doing. You have to find the reasons you want to live for yourself. Until you are at least partially in recovery you will never find your passion for life. But once you have never let go. It will be the hardest thing you EVER do. It will be SO painful to stay in recovery. But it is more worth it than I ever could have imagined. I have my passion for life back and I’m never going to stop fighting. Passion is a powerful force.
PASSION – yes in recovery that is one of the keys….but i think for most people who have eating disorders the thought of being passionate is terrorifying! Why do you think that is? I have some thoughts, but curious what you all think. And yes, it is essential as you getting more free from the constraints of your eating disorder, that you surround yourself with healthy people and that you begin to discover – or rediscover – what you like – in every area of your life. I also like your point that it is PAINFUL to stay in recovery. At first it seems painful to give up the safety of the eating disorder – then you get to the next stage…and you would think it would be easier, – but NO…it is just as hard – but in a different way. It is hard to actually face and work with feelings and exiled parts of self. And you are so so right – it is worth the fight!
I totally agree. Recovery is so much more than containing symptoms. It is sititng with feelings and learning to trust myself enough to realize that I can and will survive anything that life throws my way. If I am symptom free but not in meaningful relationships, not being honest with myself or others or living in shame – I am not in true recovery.
Hi Laura…I think congratulations are in order!!! I hope you are taking really good care of yourself and living and loving your life!
Wow. Thank you for sharing this. It was so important for me to read and be reminded of today. I totally agree that true recovery is not just about controlling symptoms but that its about so much more. I was just realizing yesterday how much behaviors are still protecting me. Its frustrating as I know in my head the reality and want life to be so different, yet its an automatic response. The minute I begin to feel deeply, sense the threat of abandonment, fear the unknowns, feel alone, etc and if my internal system is in chaos immediately I am turning to the ed. That which protects as I haven’t ever before been protected. *sigh*. I realized through reading what you wrote how much work I need to do, how I long and desire to do it, and how I need to find a way to continue even though the money to see a therapist is not there. Do you have any input as to how to not immediately detach and move to self-hatred, punishment or behaviors when the underlying issues surface?
Hi Brenda – Sometimes it takes time and having to go through very difficult situations to know you have to keep going. And it is most important to work towards diminishing self hate….regardless. Hang in there and keep fighting.
Man, this article actually makes me want to go to some inpatient treatment center. It is awesome to see that people understand there are so many things that have culminated and become tangled that have caused an e.d.
Too bad I am still in denial sometimes about needing help. I figure when I am bad enough i’ll check myself in somewhere. Although I know I am bad enough. Everything is so backward and forward. Thanks for this post though, it gives me hope that if I seek help I can get better.
Hello Melanie – I am glad you enjoyed my writing. And I like your word “tangle” It is the untangling that is a critical part of recovery. And you know what – even if someone is 100% motivated for recovery and treatment, there is ALWAYS a part that is some type of denial about the severity of what is going on in their life and how the eating disorder is controlling and ruining their lives. Also – way wait until things get “bad enough” before you get help? It will just be a lot longer and harder to recover. I hope you decide to get some help verses waiting for things to get worse.
Hello everyone…a month later I figured out how to move with ease with blogging…sorry for the long delay to your responses to my writing. Here is a poem that I came across recently that I really like – it is called “Blessings” by John O’Donohue:
Blessings
On the day when the weight deadens on your shoulders and you stumble,
may the clay dance to balance you.
And when your eyes freeze behind the grey window
and the ghost of loss gets into you,
may a flock of colours, indigo, red, green, and azure blue
come to awaken in you a meadow of delight.
When the canvas frays in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters a path of yellow moonlight to bring you safely home.
May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
May the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow wind work these words of love around you,
an invisible cloak to mind your life.
I love this poem! Thank you for sharing it Theresa. As I was reading, I felt like I could breathe for a minute. As the weight IS deadening on my shoulders, and the ghosts of loss are haunting me, this poem helps me to focus on the hope. The next line in the poem. Like someone saying to me, there is another side. I may not see it right now, but what you are going through is not all there is. This poem really impacted me today.
I’m glad you figured out the blog.
You asked about passion…..yes, passion, the very word TERRIFIES me. As I’m sure it does with a lot of people who have ed’s. Personally my initial thoughts are if I’m passionate I am more alive. And while ultimately I want to be alive and free I’m terrified of it. To be fully alive I feel means opening myself to more trauma as that is what I’ve known. Passion feels out of control. Passion feels vulnerable. And I link passion to part of the motive of some of the horrific trauma I experienced. I know its probably skewed. I also think passion is one of the things that is deadened by the eating disorder along with other things such as having wants, needs, desires, etc. So, if we are in tune with passion, then we would most likely be somewhat in tune with wants/needs/etc and that can be scarey. Being needy, although I know it is not all bad in my head, is a huge risk. Those are just some initial thoughts. I didn’t proof this before I wrote it, so if its all over the place I’m sorry. My question now is, how do you regain passion when its been dead for over 18 years and how do you step through the paralyzing fear? Especially when there is not the support of healthy people or people who understand around you?
Really, I believed going into treatment that I was going to figure out how to live with my symptoms. I didn’t think that anything else was possible for me. For other people, sure, but not for me. Even now, as I look back at the experience and my life since then, I’m not entirely sure I know how my recovery happened.
I didn’t have as much trouble controlling the symptoms as I thought I would, probably because I had practiced that so many times before. What I hadn’t practiced, because I didn’t even consider it, was being compassionate with myself. And I know now that that particular skill, compassion, is what allowed my recovery. It’s what allows me to try things, to make mistakes, to let people know that I’m hurting when that happens, and to treat myself with dignity…all of which allow me to not need my symptoms, making control unnecessary.
There are so many more pieces to recovery, most of which I never considered when I decided to undertake the process. I know how to feel now, and it doesn’t overwhelm and horrify me like it did before. And, the piece that I never believed in anyway, I don’t hate myself anymore.
It’s pretty amazing. And I’m glad that I had people, both professional and friends, who believed in it for me.
Thank you so much for sharing Mel, I could not have said it better myself! I truly feel that self compassion is one of the biggest components of the recovery process. If you can learn to be patient and kind with yourself and surround yourself with others that are patient and kind, you can begin/ continue your journey in recovery!
In regards to fear of passion, I would say that you have to take is very slowly. Start by just taking in some safe like a sunset, journaling about it, doing art about it, etc. Then start taking more risks in terms of taking in positive, enjoyable experiences. This will help reconnect you to your passion for life and recovery. I also suggest that you can always find supportive people (at a support group, online, etc) but that sometimes what we think support should look or feel like is not the form it comes in. We have to be open to all kinds of support and work to be grateful for what is given, even though most of the time it may not be enough. Also, it is often hard to receive the support given or the encouragement given by others. Hold onto the encouragement from others- write it down in a notebook, plaster it on your walls, etc. Just keep reminding yourself of the positive energy that can surround you and work on receiving it.